Empty

The most profound sadness I've ever known is in love.

Lecture

Oh man. Performing & public speaking are two ENTIRELY different creatures. One difference (among many) that I discovered today was that performing is my home, & nerves do not attack at home, while public . . . . ahem, excuse me . . . . "public" speaking makes me nervous as hell.

An old teacher of mine asked me to come back to my high school & speak to the seniors about college. So I did. Four times, I gave a 40 minute speech. And once in front of a very disrespectful audience. I now sympathize deeply with teachers who stop speaking & give students such a hard time for chatting. I specifically built the speech to be 40 minutes & could not afford to play the "I'll wait . . . ." game. Besides, I didn't want to. It was supposed to be, "I'm close to you, I'm on your side - I'm gonna tell you YOUR version of college truth." So I let it slide . . .

The teacher was THRILLED & couldn't thank me enough. So that's good enough for me.

Tomorrow, I'm getting up at 5 to get in the car & go to NYC!!!! Of course, it's 11:30 right now . . . . so . . . ummmm . . . g'night. :)

Let the Boredom Cease

Every single person who went back to school one or two weeks ago has looked at me with bright green eyes & labeled me lucky. I can't wait to get back to school & a big issue for me has been that I've nothing to do. I have been sitting about, some days never dressing, playing games, reading, TRYING to write (but with life so empty, nothing fuels imagination or inspiration), & talking to the animals. My bird now knows more about how my mind works than I do. But in the blink of an eye, it changes.

This is the last week. Traditionally, one that will drag. But I have combated that tradition. This weekend, I had a friend come over for a few days. She drove over from Ocean City, so she crashed here. We went to the mall where I spent far too much money because Suncoast is closing . . . & how I LOVE Suncoast. They've been so good to me . . . I bought "Wolf", the Saw trilogy, & a season of Carnivale for my mother . . . I'm not too fond of it, but she loves it.

Sunday evening, I had a level two reiki attunement. I was level one for a long time, but I cannot reiki remotely in level one, so I did some studying & my mother gave me an attunement (she is a reiki master) so I could send reiki to a friend of mine who is having surgery on Wednesday.

Today I went out to lunch with my father, which was ok . . . & he & Maggie came back to play on the Wii. Maggie was thrilled at her (fixed) wins, & my father endlessly frustrated with his losses because there was no holding back when he had the wiimote.

Tomorrow is an empty day . . . I had something planned, but it got moved.

Wednesday, I have my last driving lesson & & from 1 to 3 I'll be sending reiki - which should be a new & interesting experience.

Thursday, I'm meeting with an old teacher of mine to have coffee & catch up.

Friday, I'll be giving a lectures to all the senior classes about college . . . the content of which Mrs. X & I will go over on Thursday.

Saturday or Sunday, I don't know which yet, I'll be headed up to NYC to get the rest of my driving hours. We'll spend the day & see a show. Monday I go back to school. Classes until . . . 7 I think. Tuesday, no classes, but I'm going to take my drivers test. And from there, school until summer. And that's a different story.

Somewhere in the Night

Recently, my sleep has been laced with the most bizarre dreams . . . all of them making me curious, some of them leaving me emotionally flustered for no apparent reason & most of them going on while I am aware that I am dreaming.

I've played dead while a rabid raccoon snuggled up to me & eventually decided to grab it, throw it, & run in the other direction.

I've spoken to a fawn who asked me for one of the several roses I was carrying & when I gave it to her, she ate it.

I've tried desperately to deliver a package to someone across a sandstorm with waves of sand crashing on me, leaving me with a mouthful of sand to spit out every time.

I've been urged by cast members of a show to shoot one of the stage hands because no one liked her & found that my gun was filled with wet sand when I finally had my chance.

I've begged a guy I like to play monopoly with me, but he won't because he is busy drawing naked women.

I've been on some journey with several friends, but I don't know where to because I'm in such pain from an awful headache caused by a large cyst in my ear.

I've been recruited to act in a show & don't know the lines, but assure everyone that I can memorize them very quickly, but they'll have to wait for me to wake up.

I've been on a tour around some campus with a group of friends, but get separated & have to wait in an office next to car prototypes until I'm found.

Several in a night. It's starting to draw my attention . . . & the scenarios above are each their own dream over the past few nights . . . & those are just the ones I remember. I can remember that there are more . . . And that there is more to the actions of every dream - they're not as short as the simple descriptions above . . . & another thing that has come to my attention is that in all of the dreams, I'm surrounded by people - usually friends & am singled out. The raccoon comes to me, the fawn will speak to no one else, I had a group with me for moral support to deliver the package, but I was the one tasked with the delivery. Being singled out doesn't seem odd . . . it would be obvious to have me as the main character of my dreams, but I'm usually alone. Fighting aliens, trying to get out of some confined space . . . alone with the villain . . . but my friends are never there . . . how odd. The volume of the dreams is also concerning. How many dreams can you have in one night? Jeez.

Hey, guys, it's snowing!

This revolution kinda hurts . . .

The Wii, when it was pitched, was given the name of "Revolution" because of its revolutionary technology (btw, note the use of the word 'technology' & the lack of the word 'graphics'). The motions in relation to the games you are playing (the sports games) are very realistic. So you are actually boxing, swinging a tennis racket, a baseball bat, etc. Parents around the world have to change their old demand of "get off your butt & get some exercise" to "why don't you play outside" - a less subtle way to get them out of the house . . . because now the video games are exercise.

My mother is hurting her back & nearly throwing her shoulder out because she plays so vigorously at boxing & tennis. I pulled a muscle in my neck swinging a baseball bat - which actually I've done once before in a real game . . . caused me a late start running to 1st. The ball's flying through the air & I'm standing there, going, 'Ow.' Anyway, boxing is my real concern. It is by FAR the best exercise sport there is, but after a short time - like 20 minutes, maybe less - the tendinitis in my left arm starts to really yell at me. And god, I hope it's a flare up - it should have been healed by now, but if it was healed, then I just gave myself another 9 months of dealing with tendinitis flare-ups. Anyway, you'd think, well, 20 minutes of the really rough stuff a day, that's fine - in fact that's better than a lot of people out there - especially for not going outside & doing 'real' exercises. But once it flares up, I can't do it again for a few days. 3, maybe 4. That's why I had to stop lifting. And I was actually looking forward to going back again . . .

On a better note, I'm very very close to the weight I was at before I took a vacation from my diet for the holidays - & where I was then was 25 pounds lost & counting. So very soon, I'll be back to the count.

Knit Picking

I've toyed with the idea for some time & I've even been encouraged toward it by others who've seen my work. But today, I've made the first step to start selling my knitting projects. I've ordered yarn for an afghan that I'll try to sell for $100 (which is a steal, really . . . the yarn just cost me $87 & we're talking 80+ hours of labour) & a lot of yarn (which ironically, I got from eBay & I'll probably be selling the products there) of 12 skeins (OMG) of 'plum' yarn which I'll use to make two sweaters a few scarves, & maybe a few pairs of socks. I don't know if socks will draw any interest . . . but they're fast . . . not necessarily easy, but I can make one pair in a weekend. And if they don't sell . . . . they're MINE!!

So, all I have right now is a plan (as well as one scarf already underway) but a plan is one hell of a good first step. And I am proceeding with caution. Another reason for purchasing the large lot of yarn was to work with a different brand. I am not a fan of change & I have favourite brands. However, I generally buy from Smiley's Yarn which is hugely discounted (you have to buy at least $40 worth, but for me, no problem) but they do not carry my favourite yarn - TLC Amore. VERY soft. Very warm. $6 a skein. The Fun Fur which I use for scarves is about $5 in stores & $1.50 from Smiley's . . . so it's a big difference . . . but Smiley's has TLC Heather, TLC essentials, but NOT TLC Amore. The 12 skein lot is TLC Heather . . . I hope it's wonderful yarn. I want to switch . . . but I'm really in love with the Amore yarn . . .

But I have a feeling I'll be doing a lot of experiments with yarn . . . not like it will do much harm . . . what I think is unpleasant can be appealing to others.

Also, I plan to wait until November to start selling. That way I can pile up projects, bill them as great gift ideas, & boost my Christmas shopping budget. (Although not a lot . . . the initial investment looks like it's going to hurt - I'll probably be pretty selfish with the profits . . . such as they will be . . . )

The Untold Story.

I was listening to the Beauty & the Beast soundtrack & it came to me - & now that I think about it, it's blatantly obvious. But let me know if you agree or not . . .

I've come to the well-supported conclusion that Gaston & Lafou are lovers.

1. Gaston doesn't seem to care about the three blondes swooning over him - he wants to marry (shows lack of real emotion - no previous relationship, no knowledge of her personality) Belle & only Belle. Why? Because she is the most beautiful "And that makes her the best." He is obviously seeking an ideal public image.

2. His interests do not jive with Belle's & he KNOWS it, but he is interested in the aforementioned public image & remarks that "Women on occasion can have their uses too . . . mainly to extend the family tree"

3. Lafou stays with him even though he is abusive. Why? Friends don't usually tolerate such abuse . . . but love clouds judgment. And in spite of this abuse, Lafou is constantly showering Gaston with compliments.

4. In the broadway show (I haven't checked Disney's movie yet . . . ) Lafou comes very close to kissing Gaston - but they catch themselves.

So, whaddaya think?

I Need a Life.

The highlight of my day today was finding a mutated bubble in the bubble wrap that I was popping - in which was packed merchandise that was purchased online because I can't bear to go to a mall. Why can't I bear it? Too crowded for me when I'm alone. And that's me. Alone. I need a life in the bad way.

The other highlight of my day was the contents in the bubble wrap. Was it fun? Colourful? Tasty? A whim even? Nope. Frames. Frames for display purposes in my room. Not that anyone goes in my room - in fact I rarely do myself. I sleep in the living room.

So here's a day in the life of loneliness incarnate. I get up & make eggs. Two sunny side up for my breakfast & 3 hardboiled for salads later. Yum. Then I wash dishes, chug some V8 for my vegetable quota.

Then - & I kid you not - I take my bird out & have a nice chat with him. Telling him about the bizarre dreams I had last night, & asking him how he slept - apologizing for that night we kept him up all til 1.

Then I made Brian a mii, laughing my ass off in the process. I just can't make those things without laughing out loud a few times. Then I decided to take pictures of the miis & post them on my myspace. Here they are by the way.

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=120880478&albumId=1386831

Then I made big salads for my mother & I. She came home for lunch & played on the Wii for a while. When she left I washed the lunch dishes & then hung around online waiting to see if anyone would sign on.

Then I got the package of frames & went up into my room to put things in them & put them on display. After a few arrangements & rearrangements, I smiled & went downstairs humming "How Much is that Puppy in the Window" for some reason & Niles, not having seen me for some time, chirped a happy greeting.

Then my mother came home - yes, I spent that much time arranging things to be displayed - & she made steak while I made broccoli & we sat down to a TV show that she got from Netflix - but I was focusing on my knitting, not the television.

Now she's playing on the Wii while I screw around on my laptop.

It's sad, really . . . my friends are my cat with the sniffles - & it's just gross to hear him breathe - my bird, whom I love & whose poop I'm getting exceedingly tired of . . . he actually gets mad with me when I clean it up & bites at me as I go for it with a tissue . . . And my hamster. Who is nocturnal.

Well, this weekend, my mother & I BOTH have no lives & are going to go see One Missed Call. Should be fun.

Wii've been corrupted

So, my mother & I are not usually video game people. In fact, we're usually pretty low-tech with all our games. Cribbage, scrabble, that kind of thing. Even on the computer, the most complicated game is boggle. I might as well sit down with Pong for an hour every night. We got an Xbox a while ago & it was a really big thing for a while, but it settled down after a while & neither of us had the patience or the time for the video games.

The Wii has poisoned us.

First of all, my mother, when she bought it, insisted that we play with it for at least an hour every day because it's really good exercise (provided you play tennis or boxing instead of billiards, or shooting range). We thought it would be tough to put ourselves through an entire hour. Oh my God. Last night, the reason we went to bed is that I realized that with the light on, the poor bird was unable to fall asleep.

We played on that damn thing until 1 in the morning.

I'm sure it'll become less used when we have other things to do. I know I'm pretty bereft when it comes to obligations right now. I'm between semesters, not going back until the 28th, no job, no social life, & it's winter which, studies have shown, causes cabin fever more than usual because it's darker for longer. And I usually go pretty bonkers pretty quickly. I HAVE to be doing something. Between the third (when festivities ended) & the seventh (the day the Wii arrived) I thoroughly cleaned the house & knitted a pair of socks.

Although . . . this morning when I was boxing, I either caused a flare-up in the tendinitis in my left elbow which I was pretty sure had healed, or gave myself tendinitis again. Probably the former . . . let's hope . . .

But exercise, yeah . . . plus back on the diet. I've lost another 5 pounds. Yay!

"Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch."

Wanna hear something creepy?

On Christmas, my mother & I were wooed by the Wii & bought one (for a good deal) on eBay. The damn thing is in such high demand, you can't just walk into a store & take it off the shelf. It was used, but in good condition. It works, so I really don't care.

But one of the features on the Wii is that you create a little character that looks just like you called a "mii" & you can use them in games & such. It was a great source of fun in NJ, because Darcy was REALLY good at making the miis & everyone's mii looks JUST like them. It's really nifty.

Well, we started playing with the Wii . . . (my mother took a two hour lunch today while she hooked it up & got it all set up & we created our miis . . . BAD mommy *slaps on wrist*) & noticed that the people who had it before us had all their miis still on there . . . it's kinda creepy . . . but now we can see what the people who sold us the wii look like.

So, yeah. We own a Wii & my mother insists that we play for at least an hour every night for exercise. Which by the way, means I have two miis. A mii for me & a mii named Tessie who is my left-handed alter-ego. So I can exercise on both sides. :)